_insert_exclamation_here_!

i'm nervous! tonight's the first preview for don't quit and i feel like i'll be flying by the seat of my pants. i don't feel prepared at all. there's been so little time to adjust to the idea and learn...anything...but i guess that's why they call it a preview and not opening night...

here is good right now

is it stupid that a stupid myspace survey can make you have an epiphany?

last night i couldn't sleep and i was filling out this "61 odd questions" survey and came to the question: "where would you rather be?" and you know, i didn't have an answer. i don't think that has ever happened. i ALWAYS want to be somewhere else...traveling, etc. and this time i didn't. i had an awesome day yesterday: walked over the williamsburg bridge, bummed around the lower east side and east village, sat in a park, had dinner with friends, had a very interesting (and scarily accurate) tarot reading, and just had a great time.
so then i couldn't sleep and i came to this question and had the realization that there was no where that i'd rather be than here and now. and that's a good thing to have.
i just got back from a free LIVE karaoke night in my neighborhood...it's live with a piano, not a machine. that's pretty fucking scary. i rocked out with my cracking voice to nothing compares to you (which had the entire bar singing with me) and then did a pretty punk rock version of build me up butter cup with ian, kurtis's roommate. ian...kurtis...ian curtis...anyone get the reference? ian certainly didn't. (by the way, eric, this is for you...today is/was the 23rd and ian curtis died at age 23...23 is an auspicious number)
but anyway, i just wanted to let you know that here is good right now. here is really good. i'm having fun and for the first time in i don't know how long, there's no where i'd rather be.

voiceless

everyone keeps telling me not to whisper; that it's bad for my voice. but it's not like i have much of a choice.

i know someone can only have a certain amount of luck at any given time, but this wrench in the works came at precisely the wrong time.

i lost my voice. it's a fairly common thing to happen to people, but i feel that the timing of this makes my life even more bizarre than it already is.

yesterday i had interviews with three potential replacements at petaholics. i can only imagine what they thought as i whispered questions at them.

yesterday i also had the meet and greet for don't quit. when we went around the room introducing ourselves, i had to whisper in the ear of the stage manager, who acted as my translator. wonderful first impression, i'm sure...

my lack of voice also weirded out a lot of people. elizabeth, the company manager for don't quit, kept thinking i was unhappy or bored because i was nonresponsive, but i had to keep telling her i wasn't, just that i couldn't respond. i also had a lot of people whispering back at me, as if what i was saying to them was a secret.

i was hoping that by some miracle my voice would be back by the time i had to do my show, but that truly was just wishful thinking. leslie, the stage manager, had to go on for me, instead. she did a great job and i'm very proud of her. but the whole ordeal also greatly frustrated me. i already feel like i'm letting the show down by leaving a week early to do don't quit. and then i can't even perform in my penultimate show because i have no voice. i also feel a little cheated, seeing as i don't know when i'll get to act again because of my work schedule for don't quit.

today my voice is better, but still very hoarse. i'm trying to concerve it by writing everything down so i'll be able to go on tonight and have a last show. i started writing stuff down last night when we went to a bar after the show. there was no way i could compete with the music and noise in the bar. it was actually kind of fun and for some reason i was able to come up with a number of good pickup lines. maybe i should be mute more often. ;) no, not really.

i ran out today to enjoy the amazing weather and to run some errands. on my way back i stopped at my local favorite coffee spot to grab my essential summer drink, the dirty chai. i wrote out a nice note to give to the cute coffee guy. he took a look at it and said, "i don't read." nice. then handed it to the guy who makes the drinks. he held up four fingers to indicate how much i should pay. i may be mute, but i'm not deaf. he then asked me if i was faking (a common thought among a couple of my friends), so i attempted to speak for the first time since i woke up. it didn't sound much better. i told him that i was trying to conserve my voice for the show tonight since the stage manager had to go one for me last night. he told me my voice made me sound like a tough guy and that i should do my character like a civil war general. then he offered me a cigarette. dick...kinda funny, but still a dick.

so here's hoping it works out tonight...if not, maybe i can put my new voiceless pickup lines to good use.

it has happened.

friday i gave notice to my boss at petaholics. why? you may ask, knowing how long i stuck it through crappy real estate jobs that provided more grief than this current part-time gig.

because i was offered (and i accepted) a position as asst. company manager/box office liason for don't quit your night job, a new improv/sketch comedy show created by and featuring broadway actors. yes, you heard right. karron's day and night jobs have finnally merged. my primary source of income will be from the theater. well it fucking took long enough, didn't it?

i'm still not fully filled in on the details of my job...i know my work schedule and it will be a total life and schedule change. i'll be working 6 shows a week, with my weekend being tuesday and wednesday. because all of the actors in the show are currently working on broadway, the show schedule is around the broadway hours, meaning we have 3:30, 5:30, 7:00 or 11PM shows, depending on the day of the week. i've always said i was a night person, now's the time when i'll put my money where my mouth is and see if it's true. i'm really excited to see what this job brings.

my one regret is that i'm going to have to leave the cast of five years later a week early. the first preview of don't quit is during the last week of performances for five years later, and there's no way i can be in both places at once. it's a good thing my part is so minor. they're on the case searching for my replacement, and i have no doubt that she'll do a wonderful job.

so you know what that means, kiddies...this week will be your last chance to see me on stage for at least a little while...so if you need your dose of karron on stage, go see five years later.

i'll keep you posted on the details of my exciting break through as soon as i have them. yay! i've done it...finally.

american hardcore

this weekend i watched the documentary american hardcore. it wasn't perfect and certainly left a lot out, but it was still awesome! it made me want to go out and start a bar fight! i can't get this clip of henry rollins out of my head. it just makes me smile (and want to get a little violent).

art movement

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own. It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy. You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society. You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

What Art Movement Are You?

unfortunately true

You scored as No Doubt - Don't Speak. You love this song. Not for the gorgeous female lead, the catchy riffs, or the brilliantly singalong quality of the song. No, you took the time to listen to the lyrics and they really spoke to you. They were there for you when you needed them. You vowed to always support the band and repay that favour. 'Cept you sorta gave that up 30 seconds into Gwen's solo career. No Doubt - Don't Speak 90% Verve Pipe - The Freshman 65% Portishead - Roads 60% Radiohead - Creep 60% The Pixies - Where is my Mind 45% Hanson Mmmbop 35% Which Classic 90's Song Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

dreamy

last night i had a dream about being pregnant. i don't remember much about what went on in the dream, except that i frequently rubbed my belly and if i touched a certain area, i could feel the baby's heart beat. i was also very happy and in a good place about being pregnant (which, in reality would never be the case). i used to have dreams about having a baby or being pregnant a lot when i was in college. they were always before something big started, like, i would get them during RA training. but in college they were usually filled with anxiety and were very stylized and unrealistic. some even had an almost animated feel and were in black and white.

this is what i found out about my dream from an online dream dictionary:

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

To see your belly in your dream, indicates that your are processing and integrating your ideas and feelings from the unconscious to the conscious level. The belly symbolically holds repressed emotions and unexpressed feelings. Your dream may also be telling you to trust your gut feeling and intuition.

To see a pregnant belly, represents emotions that are due to come to the surface. They can no longer remain suppressed.

To dream that you are stroking or touching a belly, indicates that you are coming to terms with certain feelings. You are slowly confronting and acknowledging your repressed emotions.

To hear a heartbeat in your dream, suggests that you are not confronting or recognizing your feelings. You need to approaching thing head-on. Alternatively, a heartbeat may symbolize life or fear. You are feeling threatened in some way.

ok, ok...i get it. it kinda makes sense given some news i got recently. who'd have thought that my subconcious was able to beat me over the head that many times in a single dream?

another silly travel map thing...

headbutt

last night i was headbutted twice. and then i headbutted back. (he stopped headbutting people after that). i was also asked to slap someone and it was called cute.

what an interesting st. patrick's night...

what to do tonight?

i have too many invitations for this evening...places i should go, might go, don't want to go, and shouldn't go. why does the shouldn't seem so appealing?

then there are the others inquiring about my plans...do they want to come along or will they offer another option? as if i need another option tonight.

it makes me want to say fuck it all together and stay home and do nothing...but then i'd really feel like a loser.

i'm sorry friends, but i don't have a fucking clue what i'm doing tonight.

it shouldn't be this complicated, should it?

haircut?

i really want to cut my hair like this...should i?

please keep in mind this was taken on a camera phone and in bad lighting...

bizarre night

on my way home tonight, i was pumped. i was so excited and happy. i had gone to happy hour with my office and then saw an amazing show with an amazing actor. i was all ready, upon returning home to write a blog entry about it and my trip home, to study my lines for my rehearsal tomorrow and go to bed early enough so that i could get up early enough (and not feel like shit) to take a load of stuff to storage before rehearsal. but instead i am sitting, alone, in my ex-boyfriend's apartment in his bathrobe, drinking a beer, contemplating an earlier incident where i was crying and he didn't even get up to give me a hug. instead, he told me to move to give him one. how did i get where i am right now? i sometimes feel like my life is so full of the ridiculous. (oddly enough, the other night, hatim and i were talking about how none of our "5 year plans" have ever worked out.)
the show tonight, prelude to a kiss, was amazing. i thought alan tudyk was brilliant. i wasn't so sure the comic relief from firefly would be able to pull off being the romantic lead of a piece, but he did so with flying colors. (and he looks pretty damn good without his shirt, too.) the show had me thinking about all sorts of things. how i want to make changes in my life, for the better, and how to do so without picking up everything and moving someplace completely new, where you know no one. despite my efforts, those seem to be the only times when re-imagining myself has been successful. otherwise there are too many people who have a fixed idea about you that they are unwilling to let go, despite anything you try to do to shake them of it.
then i had a unique new york moment on the train. i was waiting in the last car of the L train as it was stopped in the 8th ave. station. there was a bum asleep on one of the benches. i was admiring his creative use of newspaper as clothing. he had very neatly tore thick, even fringes from the paper and had wrapped it around his head, arms, and jacket. something woke him up and he started pacing and staggering the length of the car. he was about to fall over into a guy who tried to direct him to fall on a bench. instead, the bum thought he was starting a fight and started to get violent. but he didn't really know where to direct it and ended up charging a guy who just walked in the car. eventually he ran out, and only then the conductor and one of those guardian angels in the red uniform came (i haven't seen one in years). i ended up chatting with the guy who the bum charged, bonding over the moment and talking about other weird things that have happened to us on trains.
then further along the ride, i look up and notice gloves a woman is wearing. she got them from old navy. why do i know this? because i looked at the same pair for a costume i was doing in college. it's amazing how i can remember that, but i can't remember my keys. yes, my keys.
i had been in and out of the house repeatedly today. i swore i had them when i left, if i did, they're gone...either in the bar or in the theater. i hope to god they're still at home.
i'm walking home, all bouncy and excited from the train. as i said before, i was jazzed from the show and amused by the goings on on the train. i was thinking of the changes i wanted to make in life, etc. and i was happy. but, i guess, here's the problem with me: happiness is so fragile. such a tiny thing can shatter it. i reached into my pocket and the keys weren't there. no problem. i call hatim because he said he and archana were going to be home tonight. no answer. still no problem. i think he might not hear his phone or may be ignoring it because he's too busy with the romance. i get home and start buzzing. no answer. he's really not home. fuck. and he's leaving on spring vacation tomorrow. i need to find a time to get home to see if my keys are indeed there. i can't wait till he gets back. by this time, i realize that i need to make a plan on what to do in the mean time. when i got off the train, the temperature was 32, and i knew it'd get colder the later it got. i had precisely two dollars in my wallet and not much more in the bank. i knew of a few places i could go for a while, but eventually they'd kick me out if i didn't buy anything.
i start calling a number of friends who live a reasonable distance away from me. no one picks up. i mean, i know it's 11 on a friday night, but come on...i start to panic.
after making the last call, i start to cry (and yet, through the tears end up giving a girl directions to a local club...i told you my life is ridiculous). everything starts plummeting down. the high of happiness i felt gives way to the dispare that i've been feeling lately. i start focusing on the negative. i start focusing on how lonely i am. i start focusing on the fact that i'm getting cold and have no where to go.
finally i get calls back. the only people to call back...the ex-boyfriends (one after i had already arrived at my current location). haha. i get here and he's already made plans. he offers for me to come, but halfheartedly. i know i'd be crashing. i'm sure a bunch of metal guys having a high school reunion of sorts would want me tagging along. besides, it was already late, i have no money, and i have rehearsal in the morning (which i will not be memorized for). so he watched me cry. it was awkward. and he left. now i'm sitting here in his robe, typing on his computer. ah well. ce la vie.
his roommate gave me soup to eat because i hadn't had dinner and i have no money. boy i'm feeling pathetic. but in a funny sort of way. writing this has lifted my spirts a little (or maybe it's my blood sugar from the soup). sometimes it helps to get it out. i don't know why i don't get locked out in the summer (well, i do, but that's only after my mom changes the locks on me and i think she's dead inside my apartment because she doesn't answer the door), 'cuz i'd just walk the bridge in to manhattan and walk around until it's light. i've done it before and will probably do it again.
well that's it. it's all out. i'm feeling better and now i can sleep. don't think i'm insane or anything. i just need it to be officially spring and/or a good show to purge my dark side in again.

i met matt dillon!!!

ok, maybe meeting is an over-statement, but we conversed...

i worked the opening night for a show my company is managing, spalding gray: stories left to tell. there were a couple of celebs in attendance, including matt dillon (by the way, he's a vegetarian), mathew modine, moby, and jane krakowski. and yes, i did actually speak to them. yay!

thank you, friends

i've been pretty down lately. you know how it is, one thing sucks and then it compounds and you apply that feeling to every aspect of your life.

but recently, there have been a few people who showed me that they care. it may not have been much to you, but it means the world to me.

so, i thank you...you know who you are.

i'm writing again.

while i was sick, i watched the documentary, dig. it was on my netflix cue because someone had recommended it to me or something...i don't really remember why. i had pushed it down on the list repeatedly, not feeling like watching it and then it came at one point when i wasn't paying attention to what would be sent to me next. that was in december. i had been holding on to it, watching everything else that came instead. i considered just sending it back unwatched. but i knew there'd be a day when i'd get around to it.

that day was monday when i was sick in bed and i had nothing else to watch. and it was awesome. in short it was the story of two bands who were friendly, one with a very talented leader, but VERY dysfunctional, and another, the dandy warhols, who were functional and actually were able to make a living off their music. the film documented the rise and fall of the two bands.

it got me thinking about a play i first thought up about three years ago. probably the most ambitious project i ever dreamed up (and that's saying a lot). i only have a first draft of act 1 and an outline of act 2. either i got busy or i hit a wall or something, but for whatever reason, i stopped writing. i swept it under the carpet and abandoned it. it's been about 2 years since i even looked at the script. i still thought about it often.

dig got me thinking about it again, because anton, the lead singer of the brian jonestown massacre is very much like one of the central characters of my show. point of you was having a day of table reads of shows that had been submitted or pieces of things that members of the company are in the process of writing. i considered dusting it off for a read, so i talked to johnny and we fit in a time for my piece to be read. i basically wanted to know if it was worth starting to work on again, or if i should just leave it burried.

the feed back was really good! according to them, it doesn't actually suck. :)

hearing it read out loud, got me thinking about all of it again. tonight i made the revisions i marked down in the reading and wrote another scene for act 1. my brain is still working on act 2 and i'm not sure if i'm quite ready to start writing it since i still don't know how i want it to end. i'm playing with a couple of ideas, however one that keeps popping up could radically change what i've already written.

but it's all pretty exciting and pretty daunting. the idea of this show has been looming over me for years now. everyone i talk to about it thinks it's great. i know it is. it is a great idea. i just want the execution to be as good as the idea. that's what's scary. i've never considered myself a playwright and here i am writing a full legnth play. a musical, no less. i haven't even begun to think of the music for the show...

one thing at a time...

i'm scared, but this is all a good thing. i feel this must be written and has amazing potential.

don't know where i'm going, but i sure know where i've been

i'm sure there are more, but i'm just going off of the places i remember...i'm not really counting the ones my parents took me that i was too young to remember.

everyone changes.

everyone changes.

i truely believe that everyone in your life is there for a reason. there are some people that you can go for 6 months without speaking or seeing them and pick up right off where you left off like a not even a day has passed. there are others who can be so close, but if you go for a time without seeing them, it can be jarring once you spend time together again. it's like you're spending time with a stranger with a familiar face. i hate that awkwardness.

we all have different stages that we go through with life. some people are meant to span all or some of those stages and others are meant to be there for a short time. (and sometimes those very short encounters can be some of the most impressionable experiences.) it's sad, though, when you have a realization that you have less and less in common with some people that you consider your family. what keeps you together when they don't even make the attempt any more?

there are members of the group that are only there because of me. i brought them in. and now i feel they are more valued than i am. i feel like if i left or moved or something, that i wouldn't really be missed. few would make the attempt to keep in contact. i think the roast made it very clear how i am viewed by them.

i'm sad. i've considered them more my own family than my own blood for a long time...between 1/3 and 1/4 of my life. i don't want that to end, and i don't necessarily have another friend base to fall in to. i have smatterings here and there, but nothing as solid or with as much history or as much in common as i (used to) have with them. i don't want them to be, but i feel things have been moving in this direction for quite a while. one more radical change in my life.

theatrically speaking...

this past week has been very busy for me, theatrically speaking. i've kind of been immersed in theater because of my new job.

tuesday i got free tickets to see the show, howard katz (starring alfred molina), at the roundabout. since the tickets were free, i figured, i'd have crappy seats in the back row or something. but when i got there and got my tickets i was in row G of the orchestra, center. they really were the best seats in the house. not only that, david schwimmer was sitting in front of me.

on thursday, i shadowed the company manager (who is awesome) for jewtopia. she showed me what she did in the theater, introduced me to the cast and crew and even let me sit in on an interview with a candidate for a wardrobe position. then i got to see the show. (again, for free). on my way to the theater that night, i also saw bill nighy. i love him! i totally would have stopped him and told him so, but he was already in the theater door (for the vertical hour) before i could reach him.

and tonight i worked the door for "don't quit your night job," an improv/sketch comedy thing that is comprised of actors currently on broadway. they normally do it once a month at joe's pub, but tonight was a special benefit at the ha! comedy club. david hyde pierce was the guest star. it was kind of cool.

now if i can only find out how to get free tickets to see the vertical hour and prelude to a kiss...

why frogs are cool