bizarre night

on my way home tonight, i was pumped. i was so excited and happy. i had gone to happy hour with my office and then saw an amazing show with an amazing actor. i was all ready, upon returning home to write a blog entry about it and my trip home, to study my lines for my rehearsal tomorrow and go to bed early enough so that i could get up early enough (and not feel like shit) to take a load of stuff to storage before rehearsal. but instead i am sitting, alone, in my ex-boyfriend's apartment in his bathrobe, drinking a beer, contemplating an earlier incident where i was crying and he didn't even get up to give me a hug. instead, he told me to move to give him one. how did i get where i am right now? i sometimes feel like my life is so full of the ridiculous. (oddly enough, the other night, hatim and i were talking about how none of our "5 year plans" have ever worked out.)
the show tonight, prelude to a kiss, was amazing. i thought alan tudyk was brilliant. i wasn't so sure the comic relief from firefly would be able to pull off being the romantic lead of a piece, but he did so with flying colors. (and he looks pretty damn good without his shirt, too.) the show had me thinking about all sorts of things. how i want to make changes in my life, for the better, and how to do so without picking up everything and moving someplace completely new, where you know no one. despite my efforts, those seem to be the only times when re-imagining myself has been successful. otherwise there are too many people who have a fixed idea about you that they are unwilling to let go, despite anything you try to do to shake them of it.
then i had a unique new york moment on the train. i was waiting in the last car of the L train as it was stopped in the 8th ave. station. there was a bum asleep on one of the benches. i was admiring his creative use of newspaper as clothing. he had very neatly tore thick, even fringes from the paper and had wrapped it around his head, arms, and jacket. something woke him up and he started pacing and staggering the length of the car. he was about to fall over into a guy who tried to direct him to fall on a bench. instead, the bum thought he was starting a fight and started to get violent. but he didn't really know where to direct it and ended up charging a guy who just walked in the car. eventually he ran out, and only then the conductor and one of those guardian angels in the red uniform came (i haven't seen one in years). i ended up chatting with the guy who the bum charged, bonding over the moment and talking about other weird things that have happened to us on trains.
then further along the ride, i look up and notice gloves a woman is wearing. she got them from old navy. why do i know this? because i looked at the same pair for a costume i was doing in college. it's amazing how i can remember that, but i can't remember my keys. yes, my keys.
i had been in and out of the house repeatedly today. i swore i had them when i left, if i did, they're gone...either in the bar or in the theater. i hope to god they're still at home.
i'm walking home, all bouncy and excited from the train. as i said before, i was jazzed from the show and amused by the goings on on the train. i was thinking of the changes i wanted to make in life, etc. and i was happy. but, i guess, here's the problem with me: happiness is so fragile. such a tiny thing can shatter it. i reached into my pocket and the keys weren't there. no problem. i call hatim because he said he and archana were going to be home tonight. no answer. still no problem. i think he might not hear his phone or may be ignoring it because he's too busy with the romance. i get home and start buzzing. no answer. he's really not home. fuck. and he's leaving on spring vacation tomorrow. i need to find a time to get home to see if my keys are indeed there. i can't wait till he gets back. by this time, i realize that i need to make a plan on what to do in the mean time. when i got off the train, the temperature was 32, and i knew it'd get colder the later it got. i had precisely two dollars in my wallet and not much more in the bank. i knew of a few places i could go for a while, but eventually they'd kick me out if i didn't buy anything.
i start calling a number of friends who live a reasonable distance away from me. no one picks up. i mean, i know it's 11 on a friday night, but come on...i start to panic.
after making the last call, i start to cry (and yet, through the tears end up giving a girl directions to a local club...i told you my life is ridiculous). everything starts plummeting down. the high of happiness i felt gives way to the dispare that i've been feeling lately. i start focusing on the negative. i start focusing on how lonely i am. i start focusing on the fact that i'm getting cold and have no where to go.
finally i get calls back. the only people to call back...the ex-boyfriends (one after i had already arrived at my current location). haha. i get here and he's already made plans. he offers for me to come, but halfheartedly. i know i'd be crashing. i'm sure a bunch of metal guys having a high school reunion of sorts would want me tagging along. besides, it was already late, i have no money, and i have rehearsal in the morning (which i will not be memorized for). so he watched me cry. it was awkward. and he left. now i'm sitting here in his robe, typing on his computer. ah well. ce la vie.
his roommate gave me soup to eat because i hadn't had dinner and i have no money. boy i'm feeling pathetic. but in a funny sort of way. writing this has lifted my spirts a little (or maybe it's my blood sugar from the soup). sometimes it helps to get it out. i don't know why i don't get locked out in the summer (well, i do, but that's only after my mom changes the locks on me and i think she's dead inside my apartment because she doesn't answer the door), 'cuz i'd just walk the bridge in to manhattan and walk around until it's light. i've done it before and will probably do it again.
well that's it. it's all out. i'm feeling better and now i can sleep. don't think i'm insane or anything. i just need it to be officially spring and/or a good show to purge my dark side in again.