unfortunately true

You scored as No Doubt - Don't Speak. You love this song. Not for the gorgeous female lead, the catchy riffs, or the brilliantly singalong quality of the song. No, you took the time to listen to the lyrics and they really spoke to you. They were there for you when you needed them. You vowed to always support the band and repay that favour. 'Cept you sorta gave that up 30 seconds into Gwen's solo career. No Doubt - Don't Speak 90% Verve Pipe - The Freshman 65% Portishead - Roads 60% Radiohead - Creep 60% The Pixies - Where is my Mind 45% Hanson Mmmbop 35% Which Classic 90's Song Are You? created with QuizFarm.com

dreamy

last night i had a dream about being pregnant. i don't remember much about what went on in the dream, except that i frequently rubbed my belly and if i touched a certain area, i could feel the baby's heart beat. i was also very happy and in a good place about being pregnant (which, in reality would never be the case). i used to have dreams about having a baby or being pregnant a lot when i was in college. they were always before something big started, like, i would get them during RA training. but in college they were usually filled with anxiety and were very stylized and unrealistic. some even had an almost animated feel and were in black and white.

this is what i found out about my dream from an online dream dictionary:

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

To see your belly in your dream, indicates that your are processing and integrating your ideas and feelings from the unconscious to the conscious level. The belly symbolically holds repressed emotions and unexpressed feelings. Your dream may also be telling you to trust your gut feeling and intuition.

To see a pregnant belly, represents emotions that are due to come to the surface. They can no longer remain suppressed.

To dream that you are stroking or touching a belly, indicates that you are coming to terms with certain feelings. You are slowly confronting and acknowledging your repressed emotions.

To hear a heartbeat in your dream, suggests that you are not confronting or recognizing your feelings. You need to approaching thing head-on. Alternatively, a heartbeat may symbolize life or fear. You are feeling threatened in some way.

ok, ok...i get it. it kinda makes sense given some news i got recently. who'd have thought that my subconcious was able to beat me over the head that many times in a single dream?

another silly travel map thing...

headbutt

last night i was headbutted twice. and then i headbutted back. (he stopped headbutting people after that). i was also asked to slap someone and it was called cute.

what an interesting st. patrick's night...

what to do tonight?

i have too many invitations for this evening...places i should go, might go, don't want to go, and shouldn't go. why does the shouldn't seem so appealing?

then there are the others inquiring about my plans...do they want to come along or will they offer another option? as if i need another option tonight.

it makes me want to say fuck it all together and stay home and do nothing...but then i'd really feel like a loser.

i'm sorry friends, but i don't have a fucking clue what i'm doing tonight.

it shouldn't be this complicated, should it?

haircut?

i really want to cut my hair like this...should i?

please keep in mind this was taken on a camera phone and in bad lighting...

bizarre night

on my way home tonight, i was pumped. i was so excited and happy. i had gone to happy hour with my office and then saw an amazing show with an amazing actor. i was all ready, upon returning home to write a blog entry about it and my trip home, to study my lines for my rehearsal tomorrow and go to bed early enough so that i could get up early enough (and not feel like shit) to take a load of stuff to storage before rehearsal. but instead i am sitting, alone, in my ex-boyfriend's apartment in his bathrobe, drinking a beer, contemplating an earlier incident where i was crying and he didn't even get up to give me a hug. instead, he told me to move to give him one. how did i get where i am right now? i sometimes feel like my life is so full of the ridiculous. (oddly enough, the other night, hatim and i were talking about how none of our "5 year plans" have ever worked out.)
the show tonight, prelude to a kiss, was amazing. i thought alan tudyk was brilliant. i wasn't so sure the comic relief from firefly would be able to pull off being the romantic lead of a piece, but he did so with flying colors. (and he looks pretty damn good without his shirt, too.) the show had me thinking about all sorts of things. how i want to make changes in my life, for the better, and how to do so without picking up everything and moving someplace completely new, where you know no one. despite my efforts, those seem to be the only times when re-imagining myself has been successful. otherwise there are too many people who have a fixed idea about you that they are unwilling to let go, despite anything you try to do to shake them of it.
then i had a unique new york moment on the train. i was waiting in the last car of the L train as it was stopped in the 8th ave. station. there was a bum asleep on one of the benches. i was admiring his creative use of newspaper as clothing. he had very neatly tore thick, even fringes from the paper and had wrapped it around his head, arms, and jacket. something woke him up and he started pacing and staggering the length of the car. he was about to fall over into a guy who tried to direct him to fall on a bench. instead, the bum thought he was starting a fight and started to get violent. but he didn't really know where to direct it and ended up charging a guy who just walked in the car. eventually he ran out, and only then the conductor and one of those guardian angels in the red uniform came (i haven't seen one in years). i ended up chatting with the guy who the bum charged, bonding over the moment and talking about other weird things that have happened to us on trains.
then further along the ride, i look up and notice gloves a woman is wearing. she got them from old navy. why do i know this? because i looked at the same pair for a costume i was doing in college. it's amazing how i can remember that, but i can't remember my keys. yes, my keys.
i had been in and out of the house repeatedly today. i swore i had them when i left, if i did, they're gone...either in the bar or in the theater. i hope to god they're still at home.
i'm walking home, all bouncy and excited from the train. as i said before, i was jazzed from the show and amused by the goings on on the train. i was thinking of the changes i wanted to make in life, etc. and i was happy. but, i guess, here's the problem with me: happiness is so fragile. such a tiny thing can shatter it. i reached into my pocket and the keys weren't there. no problem. i call hatim because he said he and archana were going to be home tonight. no answer. still no problem. i think he might not hear his phone or may be ignoring it because he's too busy with the romance. i get home and start buzzing. no answer. he's really not home. fuck. and he's leaving on spring vacation tomorrow. i need to find a time to get home to see if my keys are indeed there. i can't wait till he gets back. by this time, i realize that i need to make a plan on what to do in the mean time. when i got off the train, the temperature was 32, and i knew it'd get colder the later it got. i had precisely two dollars in my wallet and not much more in the bank. i knew of a few places i could go for a while, but eventually they'd kick me out if i didn't buy anything.
i start calling a number of friends who live a reasonable distance away from me. no one picks up. i mean, i know it's 11 on a friday night, but come on...i start to panic.
after making the last call, i start to cry (and yet, through the tears end up giving a girl directions to a local club...i told you my life is ridiculous). everything starts plummeting down. the high of happiness i felt gives way to the dispare that i've been feeling lately. i start focusing on the negative. i start focusing on how lonely i am. i start focusing on the fact that i'm getting cold and have no where to go.
finally i get calls back. the only people to call back...the ex-boyfriends (one after i had already arrived at my current location). haha. i get here and he's already made plans. he offers for me to come, but halfheartedly. i know i'd be crashing. i'm sure a bunch of metal guys having a high school reunion of sorts would want me tagging along. besides, it was already late, i have no money, and i have rehearsal in the morning (which i will not be memorized for). so he watched me cry. it was awkward. and he left. now i'm sitting here in his robe, typing on his computer. ah well. ce la vie.
his roommate gave me soup to eat because i hadn't had dinner and i have no money. boy i'm feeling pathetic. but in a funny sort of way. writing this has lifted my spirts a little (or maybe it's my blood sugar from the soup). sometimes it helps to get it out. i don't know why i don't get locked out in the summer (well, i do, but that's only after my mom changes the locks on me and i think she's dead inside my apartment because she doesn't answer the door), 'cuz i'd just walk the bridge in to manhattan and walk around until it's light. i've done it before and will probably do it again.
well that's it. it's all out. i'm feeling better and now i can sleep. don't think i'm insane or anything. i just need it to be officially spring and/or a good show to purge my dark side in again.

i met matt dillon!!!

ok, maybe meeting is an over-statement, but we conversed...

i worked the opening night for a show my company is managing, spalding gray: stories left to tell. there were a couple of celebs in attendance, including matt dillon (by the way, he's a vegetarian), mathew modine, moby, and jane krakowski. and yes, i did actually speak to them. yay!

thank you, friends

i've been pretty down lately. you know how it is, one thing sucks and then it compounds and you apply that feeling to every aspect of your life.

but recently, there have been a few people who showed me that they care. it may not have been much to you, but it means the world to me.

so, i thank you...you know who you are.

i'm writing again.

while i was sick, i watched the documentary, dig. it was on my netflix cue because someone had recommended it to me or something...i don't really remember why. i had pushed it down on the list repeatedly, not feeling like watching it and then it came at one point when i wasn't paying attention to what would be sent to me next. that was in december. i had been holding on to it, watching everything else that came instead. i considered just sending it back unwatched. but i knew there'd be a day when i'd get around to it.

that day was monday when i was sick in bed and i had nothing else to watch. and it was awesome. in short it was the story of two bands who were friendly, one with a very talented leader, but VERY dysfunctional, and another, the dandy warhols, who were functional and actually were able to make a living off their music. the film documented the rise and fall of the two bands.

it got me thinking about a play i first thought up about three years ago. probably the most ambitious project i ever dreamed up (and that's saying a lot). i only have a first draft of act 1 and an outline of act 2. either i got busy or i hit a wall or something, but for whatever reason, i stopped writing. i swept it under the carpet and abandoned it. it's been about 2 years since i even looked at the script. i still thought about it often.

dig got me thinking about it again, because anton, the lead singer of the brian jonestown massacre is very much like one of the central characters of my show. point of you was having a day of table reads of shows that had been submitted or pieces of things that members of the company are in the process of writing. i considered dusting it off for a read, so i talked to johnny and we fit in a time for my piece to be read. i basically wanted to know if it was worth starting to work on again, or if i should just leave it burried.

the feed back was really good! according to them, it doesn't actually suck. :)

hearing it read out loud, got me thinking about all of it again. tonight i made the revisions i marked down in the reading and wrote another scene for act 1. my brain is still working on act 2 and i'm not sure if i'm quite ready to start writing it since i still don't know how i want it to end. i'm playing with a couple of ideas, however one that keeps popping up could radically change what i've already written.

but it's all pretty exciting and pretty daunting. the idea of this show has been looming over me for years now. everyone i talk to about it thinks it's great. i know it is. it is a great idea. i just want the execution to be as good as the idea. that's what's scary. i've never considered myself a playwright and here i am writing a full legnth play. a musical, no less. i haven't even begun to think of the music for the show...

one thing at a time...

i'm scared, but this is all a good thing. i feel this must be written and has amazing potential.